Source : Google photo of marriage
Synopsis : The idea of traditional marriage with all its rituals and fanfare has come under some pressure in many societies where the young people have started to question the validity and the sanctity it proposes .They say that it is not necessary to get married so they choose the live in relationships that frees them from legal entanglements if and when they decide to split. The blog looks at the reasons why most people still believe in the sanctity of marriage because they believe in the institution of marriage.
I have attended numerous marriages in many countries and
have observed their rituals attentively to note that they vary widely from
country to country, from one religion to the next and from one region to the
next within a country. These rituals are designed to cater to the specific
cultural as well as the religious requirements so they vary widely although one
thing is common to them all. It is the
contract the groom and the bride enter into that is supposed to be everlasting
and binding legally as well as socially.
Once I was invited to an Algerian wedding in a rural part
of the country where I was working as an agronomist so I was curious to know
how the rituals were performed. It was my first time so I eagerly went to
attend the ceremony dressed as a fellahin ( peasant ) in my camel hair jellaba
and sat down among a group of invitees .
Soon they started to talk to me in Arabic that I do not
speak or understand so they realized that I was not a fellahin after all and
was a foreigner so they were surprised to say the least and started to gossip
among them about this strange fellow sitting there dressed as them.
Then their excitement was diverted when a car stopped and a
woman clad in a white dress from head to toe was brought and gingerly lowered
into the waiting car as if she was sick. I was naturally shocked because it was
supposed to be a joyous occasion so I asked someone who was the sick woman. They said that no one was sick. It was the
bride who was brought by her relatives
this way because no one was supposed to see her face. It was my time to be
embarrassed because I really did not know their culture and their rituals so I
departed quickly lest something else like this cropped up. I was also spared
from their oily food that my stomach did not like at all.
The Algerians who are mostly Moslems have their own
traditions and rituals that are different from the Berbers who mostly live in
the Djurjura Mountains and who have their own distinct traditions and rituals.
I was amazed by the modern ways of the Berber girls in the Kabylie Mountains of
Tizi Ouzou who were dressed in miniskirts and invited me to dance with them. I
have written a great deal about the Algerians and the country so please read
the Chapter five in my biography at the link below : https://storyofalifetimeofanil.wordpress.com/2017/12/07/chapter-five-remember-djamila-algeria-1971-1973/
I am a Bengali so I know a great deal about the Bengali culture and their rituals during the marriage that I have always observed very keenly. People are a product of their culture that emphasizes traditions that carry on rituals from generation to generation to make it embedded. You can’t separate people from their traditions, rituals and culture because it becomes a part of them they value and cherish. ( Read my blog here called Arranged marriage here.
When it comes to marriage in the Bengali Hindu society, they
try to show off their culture and rituals in the most visible way possible that
may not be understood well by a foreigner.
But the blog is about marriage and its relevance in the
modern society that I would like to focus on so I will leave the rituals aside
for the time being.
Marriage is or supposed to be a social contract that gives
the union between a man and a woman the social approval for procreation. People
who procreate without the marriage and the social approval are ridiculed and
scorned in most traditional societies. Their illegitimate children are ill
accepted by their society so the children face scorn and ridicule in their
schools even if it is not their fault that they are illegitimate.
So people in all countries have favored marriage for the
purpose of procreation as the legitimate way to bring social harmony and
stability. A legally married couple then enjoys all the benefits of the social
approval so everybody is happy. The fact that not all the married couples end
up living happily ever after is another matter that people are not really
concerned about needs to be analyzed further.
So it is one thing to be married with all the glitter and fanfare but quite another thing what happens later when the married couple finds it hard to live with each other for one reason or the other. . (Please read my blog called the Bliss and curse of marriage here.)
I know of a couple that lived miserably and separated when the woman ran away with someone and the fellow took to the bottle that took his life. I attended their marriage in a small town but had no idea what would happen to them or why but such is life. I knew another couple who came to experience disaster in their relationship when the pushy and greedy woman made the fellow to start drinking heavily that eventually killed him. I know of a third couple who had three sons, the youngest being my play pal since my childhood. His father was a very good doctor and deeply religious man who provided well for his family but his wife was unhappy for some reason so one day ran away with a fellow and abandoned her family. The result was so sad that I do not want to write about it here.
The Christians like to repeat the words like staying
together in sickness or health ,in riches or poverty etc. until the death do
the parting from each other because the marriage is supposed to last until
death. This finality of marriage is emphasized in all cultures but many
marriages fall apart leading to divorce in many societies where the finality of
marriage is not taken seriously. It hurts the children the most when they need
the parents during their most vulnerable period and it hurts the couple
financially, emotionally and even spiritually.
Then there are cases where a divorce is not only welcome,
it is desirable. The infidelity in marriage is a major cause but there may be
other reasons as well like financial struggles, drug addiction or alcohol
abuse. Couples may come to a point when they can’t tolerate each other due to
their emotional detachment, domestic violence and mental and severe emotional
stress that is caused by the depressing conditions under which they live. It
may be due to the fault of the wife or the husband or both so the result is
always the same. (Please read my blog on Drugs and domestic violence here.)
In the Catholic Christian societies, divorce is not allowed
and a legal separation from each other is a very long and tedious process so
most couple who have problems may choose to live separately even though married
and take up concubines or lovers thus hurting the children even more.
Some women do not mind being a concubine of someone who
provides well and supports financially so infidelity in marriage becomes common
in such societies demeaning the sacred nature of the traditional marriage.
I know many such cases in our neighborhood. Now the trend
in many countries seems to be the unmarried couple living together who produce
children. The man may leave the woman
after getting her knocked up for one reason or the other because it is easier
to leave someone who is not legally married to someone. Such women are
euphemistically called single mothers who then have the sole responsibility of
raising their progeny. They take up menial jobs to provide for their children
because they get pregnant before they finish their schooling so they are forced
to take up whatever job they can find just to survive.
The poorer section of any society where promiscuity and
infidelity is common, women don’t wait to get married so they become sexually
active at puberty and may produce large number of kids from different people
who bear no responsibility of raising them. To them, marriage is desirable but
not attainable because of the cost involved that they can’t afford. The groom
may be jobless and without any schooling or skills so the burden of raising the
kids falls on the shoulder of the woman who looks for any job she can find.
Washing clothes for others, working as a maid or as a waitress somewhere to
support themselves is perhaps the only choice they have or they may take to the
streets which has its own risks. There are millions of prostitutes who are
forced into it due to their financial needs to support their illegitimate
children in many countries. Many young women get trafficked by evil men who
sell them to the brothels.
In India the Hindus who are tradition bound insist on the
dowry system demanded by the potential grooms or their families that puts a
great and onerous burden on the family of the girls who want to get married. So
many young women remain spinsters because of this dowry problem and because the
tradition does not encourage women to have boyfriends. The tradition dictates
that the women remain virgin no matter what.
The number of unmarried women in the teaching profession is
unusually high because they can’t seem to find a match for them. Perhaps men do
not like educated and independent women in their patriarchal society. The
issue of eligibility of the man and woman who want to get married is a serious
one that depends on the age difference, education, employment status, religion,
caste and even political affiliation.
Where the eligibility of the man and woman is not an issue, the relationships tend
to fall apart quickly. Love is blind does not hold much water in such cases.
This is slowly changing in cities but not so much in rural
areas that are still very tradition bound. But the traditionalists do not
easily accept the Western culture of boyfriend girlfriend relationship in India
leading to some tragic consequences. A young girl was gang raped and murdered
in Delhi just because she was out late in the evening with her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend was beaten senseless.
The Arya Samaj (society) that arranges mass marriage of
hundreds of couples without any cost is a boon to all unmarried men and women
but millions of women still remain unmarried. In other countries where there
are more men than women, the men can’t find mates easily while in countries
where there are more women than men, they face a similar problem.
So now a new trend has developed in Japan where you can
rent a boyfriend or a girlfriend for a while without any risk of legal
entanglement or responsibilities. You will be amazed how a simple condom has
liberated millions of women everywhere. It has also made young people of both sexes more promiscuous in the process.
These trends develop due to a necessity to solve the issue
of biological demands. These demands are true for both sexes everywhere that is
why the traditionalists favor their ways of meeting these demands through legal
and society approved marriages. Those who can’t get married because they can’t
afford dowry or can’t find a suitable match is not their concern.
So I see now a trend worldwide of couple who choose to live
together if they can’t get married. They say that in France and Germany, a very
high number of couple just live together and produce large numbers of children
because marriage is no longer a relevant issue for them. You will see many
people who do not attend Church services because religion does not play an
important role in their lives any more. So moving away from their Church and
religion makes it easier for them to accept a live in relationship.
It was the role of the Church, the temple or synagogues to
keep people religion bound and respect the tradition of marriage but that role
in diminishing in many countries. Thus the stigma attached to single mother or
illegitimate children does not carry the same weight as before because young
people simply say that they don’t care what others think of them.
This brings us back to the question Is marriage necessary? To answer it, one has to look at the context
in which it is asked. If you ask the traditionalists in any country, they will
vouch for the sanctity of marriage and say that it is necessary to follow the
moral dictates their religion and society demands. Without it, the people start
to behave like animals that has a detrimental effect on the society as a whole.
The concept of marriage is a very old one. It teaches that
the sanctity of marriage is dependent on both the husband and wife who must
share their responsibility equally in a conjugal manner for the benefit of
keeping them together and raise their children in a responsible manner.
The young people who say that marriage is not necessary
show a callous attitude toward the children they produce who may face severe
social disapproval. If they decide to split from their relationship, they end
up hurting their children more than they hurt each other because they take
their responsibilities casually. This is very selfish to say the least.
In the final analysis I would like to conclude that there
are very good and valid reasons why people should value the sanctity of
marriage and take their marital responsibilities seriously so that a healthy
and moral society is maintained. But the
traditional societies also need to reform some of their strict dictates and
move towards a more liberal way to get young people married while keeping the
essentials of their traditions.
The dowry system should be abolished and the men and women
should be free to choose their partners they want to live with the rest of
their life. No one should be deprived of the joy of marriage that can bring a
fundamental change in their life in a very positive way. A happy marriage
brings up good children while an unhappy live in relationship may bring up
unloved and uncared for children who get into all sorts of trouble later.
So ask yourself- what do you want ?. The choice is yours.
Note : My blogs are also available in French, Spanish, German and Japanese languages at the following links as well as my biography. My blogs can be shared by anyone anytime in any social media.
https://achtrjee.wixsite.com/mysite/blog
La biografía de anil en español.
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