Source : Google photo of an arranged marriage in India
Synopsis : The
arranged marriage is still prevalent in traditional societies like in India
where a woman marries an unknown person and hopes to have a long lasting
relationship but it is not certain. Now the educated women wish to select their
own mates instead of depending on their relatives. Such marriages are
derisively called Love Marriage but should the most important decision in their
life be left to others? The writings are on the wall that say that this
practice must change for the better.
In some countries there is the traditional way of getting
married. What it means is that the family of the bride and the groom chooses
who their sons and daughters will marry. It is called arranged marriage that
has come under scrutiny to some extent by the educated generation that rejects
this system. They now say that the tradition of arranged marriage is obsolete
today so the men and women should have the right to choose who they will marry.
The act of marriage between a man and a woman is perhaps
the most important thing that can happen in anyone’s life because it affects
the lives of both parties in a very fundamental way that changes the way men
and women look at each other. For the first time for both men and women they
come into a physical relationship apart from the emotional relationship that
develops that can last a lifetime although in many countries the notion that a
marriage is for life is also being challenged.
I will come back to it a bit later in the blog but for
now let us focus on the tradition of the arranged marriage system that the
traditionalists still vouch for as the best method that produces a long lasting
marriage and low chance of divorce. When we notice how fragile the marriage as
an institution has become in the Western countries because of rising divorce
rate where men and women choose their partners, we also wonder at the pros and
cons of such method.
So let us look into the system of arranged marriage and
analyze why it is still being practiced in spite of changing times and the new
generation of educated and more tech savvy people who come from the middle
class and even lower class of the society who are moving up economically. They
are more mobile in terms of where they want to work and where both husband and
his wife can find jobs to support their growing economic needs. Many move to
other countries where they find employment.
One reason I can think of is that the younger educated
generation still defers to the traditional values that promote arranged
marriage because they trust their parents to make the right decision for them.
Very few show the courage to go against the wishes of their families to marry
someone their families may not approve of because most married couples still
live with their relatives so they wish the new bride to live in harmony with
others. The option of living separately and independently is not available to
most married couples unlike in the Western countries unless they live in a different
part of the country or go abroad.
It is fair to say that the practice of arranged marriage
is under pressure to reform in cities but not so much in rural parts because
the new generation of educated men and women who grow up in cities join the
work force have their own ideas about choosing their partners. So the workplace
romance may develop leading to marriage at some point which was not the case
when women stayed home. The new opportunities that open up for women who get
the higher education and professional training makes them more independent so
they may or may not agree to the old system of arranged marriage. Such women
tend to choose their own life partners.
It works if both families accept the choice of their
daughter and son. However, this acceptance is based on the social compatibility
of the couple that ensures that they are of the same religion, same caste and
same ethnicity. When the religions are different, it can cause a great deal of
trouble in both families because the inter caste and inter religion marriages
are still not acceptable in the traditional societies of India. They also say
that the love marriages are less sustainable than the arranged ones giving
examples of the Western societies.
The origin of this system has its roots in the social
practice of keeping the sexes separate from their childhood so a girl may not
know a boy so has no chance of developing a sweet heart relationship that may
culminate in a marriage when they come of age. It is the same thing for boys
who may not have a girlfriend because their traditional society frowns on such
relationship but that is now slowly changing as the co-education spreads that
later spills into the coworker situation where many romances develop.
This was not the case some 50 years ago and still not the
case in rural communities where the tradition of arranged marriage is still
strong and where the girl has no choice but to depend upon her family to choose
a groom for her. She may be pretty or ugly but mostly with lower education
level and skills that limits her to the life of home and hearth but the city
girls fare much better for the reasons mentioned above. ( Please read my blog
called
The institution of marriage here )
An educated family that favors female education accepts
more readily the choice of their educated daughters and sons when it comes to
marriage than the uneducated people who live in rural areas and are tradition
bound although that too is now changing as rural girls are increasingly getting
more education than the previous generation in India. I expect the same trend
in other countries where the arranged marriage system still prevails.
The Western culture favors their system where women and
men are free to choose their mates .Their parents play a minimal role but may
give some gifts to the newly married couple. But the success rate judging by
the high divorce rate is not great so many young and not so young people choose
not to get married but live with their partners. This arrangement makes it
easier on them to part ways without the legal hassles and expenses if and when
they decide to do so. The illegitimate children have little or no social stigma
where most people prefer a live in relationship but the traditional societies
reject it outright and make the couple pay a heavy social cost.
In the Moslem societies, they too practice arranged
marriages but often men marry their cousins whom they know but that is not the
case among the Hindus who prohibit marriages between the cousins because of the
co- sanguinity issues. The Christians are also known to marry their cousins but
genetically speaking, it is not a good idea.
I was watching a movie made of a story written by
Rabindra Nath Thakur where a beautiful child who was the apple of her parents
eyes grows into a more beautiful woman who gets married through the arranged
marriage system.
At first all is well but the wife of the elder brother of
her husband is a cruel and very quarrelsome woman who hates her and makes their
domestic life full of tension every day for one reason or the other making her
cry silently. She was told by her parents that she now belongs to the new
family by the virtue of her marriage so she must adjust and try to please them
as best as she can. The tradition dictates that her new family is now her own
although she may still maintain her relationship with her parents depending on
how far or near she lives.
She does not have a life of her own because she must live
where her husband lives so in this case he lives with his elder brother and his
wife in a joint family system. This is very different from the Western
countries where the married couple lives somewhere else perhaps in a different
part of the country or even abroad but maintains a cordial relationship with
the parents and in laws.
In the story the young girl suffers daily until one day
her sister in law picks a fight with her husband over money matters in front of
the younger woman and her husband and she is blamed for everything bad that has
happened since her arrival in the joint family. The quarrel soon gets out of
hand and her husband in a fit of rage hits her that makes the toxic woman lose
her balance so she falls and hits her head on stone and dies.
Soon the police comes and asks how the woman died and
what were the reasons so the husband of this innocent girl says that she was
the one who pushed the older woman because of her quarrel so she was promptly
arrested and put in jail to wait for the trial. She was shocked and stupefied
at the false accusation that her husband made but kept quiet even in the court
shedding tears but the judge warned her that keeping quiet can mean a death
penalty.
Her father came to see her in jail and pleaded with her
to tell the truth but she kept quiet to protect her husband and his elder
brother who were the real culprits so she was given the death penalty. Her
husband told his elder brother that he can always find another wife but not
another brother so he had to sacrifice his innocent wife.
I was shocked but was not surprised at this twist in the
story because the blood is always thicker than water so the outsider was
sacrificed to protect his brother. The man was a real rascal who put the blame
on his innocent wife but his elder brother who was the real culprit was a
coward and a heartless person who did not come forward to speak the truth in
the court and save the poor sister in law.
Later in the court room both brothers claimed the
responsibility for the murder out of remorse seeing that an innocent woman was
being punished for what they did but the judge still ruled that the young girl
should be hanged.
This movie made me think seriously about the issue and
came to a shocking conclusion. The young girl sacrificed herself in order to
protect the guilty because she was told that she now belongs to the new family
and must show total loyalty even if they mistreat her this awful way. Indian
girl growing up in the traditional society will go to any length to protect her
husband and his relatives even if it means her own sacrifice so the girl kept
quiet and took all the blame.
This sort of friction between women under the same roof
is common in the arranged marriage system because the women coming from
different families develop no affinity for each other so petty quarrels over
household matters develop and may lead to serious trouble as was shown in the
Thakur's story above. Rabindra Nath Thakur often wrote such stories based on
some real events.
In the arranged marriage system, the relatives of
the would be groom come to interview the girl and ask her very pointed
questions like does she know how to cook and do all the household chores, is
she educated, is she willing to marry a person she has not seen and live with
him in a joint family etc. In rural areas this interview can turn brutal where
they may even ask the girl to walk to see if she is in good health and not lame
and make her sing. It is like inspecting a cow before the purchase so may be
they also look at her breasts. Such crude behavior is commonplace in rural
parts of the country.
It is very insulting to any self-respecting woman but she
tolerates because she has no choice in the matter. The would be groom is not
scrutinized this way that may lead to many unpleasant surprises later but it is
the girl who takes all the risk. Nothing can be more degrading to any woman
treated like a cow but that is how some women are treated. It is generally the
women who treat other women viciously.
Once they agree that the girl is suitable, the serious
business of how much dowry and gifts must be paid by the father of the girl
starts. After long negotiations, both parties may come to a conclusion so a
blessing ceremony date is decided upon but the girl still does not meet the man
until the date of her marriage. She knows nothing about the person she is about
to marry or his good or bad habits but she accepts because she trusts her
parents who decide for her everything.
We have all heard of cases in India where a newly married
woman is tormented by her in laws because she did not bring enough dowry and
gifts or they become very greedy and keep on demanding more so either she takes
her own life or she is murdered. Now there is a helpline for such abused women
offered by NGOs.
I also hear of cases where an educated girl about to be
married cancels the marriage if the groom or his relatives start making demands
for more money and gifts on the day of marriage. It takes courage to do so but
I applaud such courage in women who will not put up with such injustice and
take the matter into their own hand. Their courage comes from the fact that
they can quickly assess the greedy nature of their grooms and decide that they
will be better off not getting married to such people.
It also makes the case for “ Love marriage “ in India
although the women in other countries find it abnormal that there is no love
involved in the traditional marriage because it is simply a physical marriage
where love is not mentioned or even required. The traditionalists deride the
concept of love marriage because it is so alien to them. They say that the love
will develop once people get married but there is no guarantee that it will
happen so millions of women and men are locked into loveless marriages where
the husbands are real rogues who may think nothing of sacrificing their spouse
in order to save their relatives like in the story mentioned above.
In the Western societies, there were arranged marriages
in the aristocracy like in Europe where a marriage consolidated the power and
the properties of a given family so it was more due to economics and politics
than anything else. Often the bride brought a dowry of hundreds of acres of
land so the groom’s family benefitted enormously. There are still political
marriages that help consolidate their business or financial well beings but
such marriages are limited to a certain people and not widespread like in India.
The clash of tradition with modernity:
I know of a case when an educated person decided to marry
a woman who was also very educated and in training to become a doctor but it
did not sit well with his father who had promised his friend that his daughter
will be his son’s bride. He did not like to lose face so he disinherited his
son and refused to attend his marriage.
They got married anyway and moved to the United States
where both are settled with good jobs and the cherished citizenship so who was
the loser? It was the father who lost a son and a wonderful daughter in law.
I know of another case of a beautiful woman who wanted to
marry a very honorable and good person but was prevented by her own brother who
called her choice a poor one so she remained single but loyal to her choice.
The gentleman made great progress professionally but remained unmarried so both
got old until the brother died and only then they got married. She died of
cancer later but her husband remained steadfast in his love and loyalty until
her last breath. This story is sad but inspiring the way they were so devoted
to each other although their golden years were wasted because of the brother.
Now many young people denounce the tradition of arranged
marriage and dowry so they get married in a civil registrar’s office where no
dowry is paid or even mentioned. But it will take millions of young educated
men and women to decide who will be their life partner who will marry them for
love and not money to eventually change the system. It is already happening in
cities but their rural counterparts are still mired in their ways that will
take more time to change.
They must realize that the dowry system is outdated and
obsolete that puts tremendous economic pressure on the parents of the woman but
does not guarantee a successful marriage. The Hindu Code Bill allows a woman to
divorce on certain grounds but most remain locked in their loveless and abusive
marriage because they have no other choice.
In another story a very pretty woman got married but her
husband died only after six months so she became a widow although she was so
young. In India no one wants to marry a widow no matter how young and pretty
because of the traditions but one day she met a handsome fellow and both fell
in love with each other. The tragedy was that they kept silent and did not let
each other know what was in their heart so they were heartbroken. Hiding his
grief he went off to become a doctor while alone the woman kept looking for him
for more than six years until one day she met him by chance in a railway
station.
Both were shocked but she finally declared through her
tears of joy that she had spent six years looking for him all over the country
but now she had no more resources to travel and is very poor. The doctor also
then confessed to her about his feelings but while waiting for his train,
another woman showed up who was his co- worker and a doctor so the poor woman
shed tears and disappeared after leaving him a note in which she wished him
happiness. She sacrificed her love that makes Thakur’s stories so sad.
Dowry and property rights:
In the traditional system in India and elsewhere the
dowry given to daughters deprives them of their property rights later after the
death of their parents because the sons claim such rights in the patriarchal
system. The woman leaves her family to join another family that she starts
calling her own so her links with her brother or other siblings start to weaken
especially when they live far apart.
Another reason why the property goes from father to son
is to keep the property in the family and not to invite in laws into it so the
daughters are deprived. Perhaps with the changes in the tradition will bring
about equality between brothers and sister but that too will take some time and
the realization that all children must be treated fairly and equally.
The marriage of widows:
It seems so unfair that a young woman becomes a widow
soon after her marriage due to no fault of her own but the society demands that
she remains so for the rest of her life giving her no chance of a normal life.
Such widows are not welcome by her in laws so she becomes homeless unless her
siblings take her back. But there too she faces an uphill battle if her
brothers are married and her in laws there do not welcome her either. ( please
read my blog What have I
become here )
In such dire straits she then seeks shelter in Benares,
Rishikesh or Mathura where some charitable organizations maintain such
shelters. A great man set up shelters for widows where they are taught
some skills to make baskets or embroidery that brings them a modest income to
live on but more such shelters are needed to help all who are in need. The
government of India now allows a widow to receive the pension of her late
husband so it is a great relief to them.
It changes if the widow is educated and finds a job to
support herself. In some cases young divorced woman finds a second life when
she gets married again to someone who is educated and has a good job. I know of
a case where it happened like that.
The great social reformers of Bengal in the 18th century
like Raja Ram Mohan Roy, Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar and many others encouraged
young men to marry widows although how many came forward to marry them is not
known. The traditional society still looks down on widows and bars them from
attending social events like marriage. This negative view of widows is carried
on by married women more than others. I do not know why but it has always been
this way. May be it has to do with ignorance, superstition and the lack of
empathy.
The dowry less marriages:
It is a fact that often the parents cannot come up with
the dowry for all of their daughters if they are poor and struggling. So what
happens to such girls? A great man called Swami Dayanand Saraswati set up an
organization called Arya Samaj (Society of Aryans) where he performed mass
marriages of couples for free so many poor girls and boys get married there
even today. But the problem of dowry remains and is not going away anytime
soon.
Now with the advent of Internet, Skype and chat media
like Facebook and Twitter etc. many find their mates and some of them do get
married but this is a modern phenomenon limited only to the urban areas so
others living in the hinterland are deprived. May be that will change in the
future when the government of India will bring Internet to the villages but it
will take more than Internet to change the system.
I hope that someday the tradition will give way to
modernization when the boys and girls will be treated equally in all aspects of
their life including marriage. I am hopeful although it is an uphill battle.
Note : My blogs are also available
in French, Spanish, German and Japanese languages at the following links as
well as my biography. My blogs can be shared by anyone anytime in any social
media.
La
biografía de anil en español.
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