Source : Google photo
Synopsis : We are all full of emotions of all sorts that often
control us because we do not learn to control them and end up in trouble. The
blog looks at the way we can learn to control our emotions and look at all the
difficulties with a philosophical viewpoint.
We often find ourselves in a
situation where we are faced with people who use uncivil words, are rude and
show extreme arrogance. The gentle people are shocked at such behavior of
people so they keep quiet or just walk away to avoid confrontation but
aggressive people react with aggression of their own.
This can lead to serious quarrel or
physical altercation for reasons that soon spin out of control to make the
matter worse that can have severe consequences. People who have short fuse are
the most vulnerable because they are unable to control themselves and get angry
quickly over real or perceived bad behavior toward them. To them it is an
automatic self-defense mechanism by which they try to protect themselves or
their loved ones.
All animals are emotional by nature
but some animals show remarkable control over them and are very tolerant. You
will never see a lion reacting in a violent way when the cubs keep climbing all
over the lion and even bite his tail. He simply grunts and ignores their pesky
antics. He reserves his anger for more serious matter like when a strong rival
shows up to lay claim over his territory and over his lioness. Then he fights
back but backs down if the rival accepts his supremacy and submits.
In fact the animals show remarkable
control over their emotions that we as humans can learn a lot from. Animals
show love for other species and can even help them out of a mortal situation
but we often fight with our own kind and show no love or compassion for them let
alone other species.
Have you ever seen the elephant
crying when he is released from his chains after suffering of many years? Have
you seen the rescued dolphins come near you to touch you and show their
gratitude and love? They all have emotions and show it in their own way.
But we do not learn from the animals
and cannot control our emotions like anger that is often triggered by some
events. We yell at a driver who overtakes us on the highway at breakneck speed
or forces his way into a parking slot where you were about to park your
vehicle. We get angry quickly when someone elbows you out aggressively in a
queue while you are patiently waiting for your turn for something. We can get
angry for a number of reasons so it seems to me that of all kinds of emotions,
the anger and its expression in words or deeds is the most prevalent in human
beings while in the animal kingdom , they show tolerance and patience.
It often starts with the childhood.
A child is not born angry but he learns to be angry when he sees that his needs
are not addressed. If he is wet or hungry or tired and sees that no one is
attending to him, he may show anger. A strong willed child can show his anger
more than a submissive child. He can be angry enough to throw tantrums over
silly demands because he has not yet learned to restrain himself or understand
why he is not attended to while his mother may be sick or under depression over
something.
He can be angry if he sees domestic
violence frequently because he is small and unable to stop the physical abuse
of his mother by his father or someone. In school he can get angry if some
other kids start bullying him so he can get into fist fights or he becomes a
bully tormenting other kids.
All these emotions like love, hate,
anger, compassion, hurt feelings, vengeance, rebellion etc. are learned
experience. A child is at first like a sponge who soaks up everything he sees
or feels around him so he is a product of his upbringing.
He learns compassion and love for
others from his parents if they are compassionate and show love for others. If
he finds them always angry at each other or towards others then he too picks it
up and starts to think that being angry is right. He learns hate if he
sees it in others. He learns spitefulness, bigotry, lying, cheating, deceit, jealousy,
meanness and many such negative values if he sees it and copies it because no
one tells him otherwise. He learns religious intolerance and mistrust of others
who are not like him from his parents who try to imprint their values on him
while he is still young. So we see that some children are very sweet and
adorable while others are monsters reflecting the way they are being raised.
What is controlled emotion ?
Controlled emotion is like a pond
that hardly has any ripples. People who can control their emotions stand apart
from those who cannot control themselves. It starts early but one can learn to
control emotions even later in life through a process called
self-introspection. Before you react, you start to think of the consequences so
you back off and become calm like a pond with no ripples. I was told that
meditation helps make a person calm but I also knew some people who pretended
to be religious but could not control their anger. They can never accept that
others have a right to be different than them just like the mullahs who take
religious extremism as their way of life causing mayhem everywhere.
They get so emotional and angry that
they start foaming around their mouth while they shriek and curse the infidels
and the rest. They get very angry because of their conviction that they are
always right.
I think this is the source of all
human problems. When we think that we are always right, we get angry at those
who do not share our values. All the bloodshed in the history of mankind has
been caused by this arrogance and the feeling of self-righteousness.
When I look at the serene Buddha, I
too feel a calmness that comes over me. Buddha was the epitome of serenity even
when faced with adversity in his life. How could he remain so calm and
unperturbed? Can we emulate him and learn how to control our emotions?
By learning to control your
emotions, I do not mean you become an unfeeling, uncaring person who is
emotionless. It means you learn to control all your emotions and become calm
but you never lose your humanity. That is why people are generally attracted to
highly spiritual people who exude an aura of calmness that makes them special.
They will listen to your problems with compassion in their eyes and may suggest
solutions. But when it comes to their personal matters, they remain aloof and
calm. They may go without food for a few days or sleep under a tree somewhere
but it does not bother them at all because they take asceticism seriously. They
detach themselves from all worldly affairs so that they can devote all their
time to spirituality.
This detachment comes from the total
renunciation of everything we are so fond of. They do not crave for any special
food, comforts of life, fancy clothing or even a comfortable shelter. You will
see the Buddhist monks in their saffron or deep red clothes going out in the
morning with a begging bowl in hand that pious people fill with food. This is
their daily ritual because their life depends on such hardship they happily
accept in order to be spiritual.
But ordinary people are not like
them because we have to live in the world of our own that is filled with
anxiety, fear of unknown and complexity of inter human relationships. We cannot
give up our emotions like the monks even if we try. Controlling them often
seems difficult.
The emotions are different for
different age groups. A child’s emotions are related to his need for food,
comfort and attention but a young girl seeks companionship through her cell
phone , group chats or by constantly sharing inane photos of herself to attract
attention. She gets very upset if no one greets her on her birthday so her
emotional needs are different from a child.
At a certain age we tend to start
asserting ourselves. Some call it rebellion. We do not like to be told all the
time what to do, what to wear, what to eat, what company we should or should
not keep so we get angry when we feel that our freedom to do what we please is
under threat. I have seen young woman fighting with her parents because they do
not approve her drug addict boyfriend and even saying words like I hate you.
This is very common in the Western societies where people grow up differently
than in the East. Their values are different from societies where people
automatically show respect to older people.
In India , we never argue with our
parents and take their decisions as commands but it is very different in the
Western world where young people may answer back with retort. In the Asian
culture , people show respect to old people and value their wisdom but not so
in the Western countries where they say that you have to earn your respect so
there are fundamental differences. These differences show in the character of a
person later. We are essentially a product of our culture.
Young people tell each other that
they have no life without a cell phone because it makes them connect with
others but if you think about it for a moment, you may realize that one’s life
does not depend on a cell phone or it should not. The material culture promotes
this dependence because it serves the business interest of those who promote
it.
People who make an effort to be in
physical contact with another person feel happier than the one who chats whole
day looking at a small screen cell phone. The physical nearness with another
person whom you like makes you happier but the world is in love with the cell
phones so interpersonal relationships that need physical contact suffers. We
become lonelier if no one calls.
The loneliness extracts a heavy
penalty in the form of depression that is also a kind of emotion that is very
harmful. Some people may even lose their mental stability if they are always
depressed for one reason or other or they start to drink. Here I will share
with you a classic story of a friend of mine who suffered terrible depression.
He was a very bright and intelligent
person who had a good job in an international research center, had a wonderful
wife and a lovely child but one day he left his job and went to a country in
Latin America where he got better salary. Here his misfortune was waiting for
him when one day the rebels captured him and kept him hostage for ransom for a
long time. Finally after suffering in the rebel camps where they kept him under
primitive conditions, he lost all hope of living until someone came up
with the ransom money for him so he was finally released.
But his wife had left him and his
grown up son also moved away so he took to drinking and died alone
because he could not come out of his depression. When you cannot control your
emotions, it will end up controlling you as it happened to my friend. He just
did not have the will to start all over again , find a job and get his family
together.
The injustices of life can make a
person angry who suffers and sees no respite so it is very difficult for anyone
not to get angry or depressed. But I have found a secret that is really no
secret at all so I will share it with you.
It starts with a very determined
plan of your life. If you are determined to become a doctor or engineer or an
IT professional, it means you have to be disciplined enough to spend long
lonely hours of studies to pass tough exams. Once you have achieved your goal,
you must dedicate your life in the service of others even if it means that you
serve the poor as a country doctor or an IT specialist who helps the poor
through IT skills.
Secondly , (and this part is really
what makes you a worthy person) is to be satisfied with what you earn and never
accumulate needless money that you do not need to live modestly but
comfortably. Having more money than what a person really needs can become a
curse so running after money like that friend in Latin America can often lead
to unhappy situations where you lose control of your life. It does not mean
that you do not save for your retirement someday. It requires sound money
management skills that sadly many people do not have.
A calm person is a thinking person
who thinks very deeply about everything and takes his time to come to a wise
decision that can change his life in a positive way. Too much emotion can often
cloud your judgment so you can make serious mistakes like starting to drink or
seek solace in drugs. The anger can be managed if you learn to meditate and
look deeply into yourself.
So learn to control your emotions
before it starts to control you.
Note : My blogs are also available
in French, Spanish, German and Japanese languages at the following links as
well as my biography. My blogs can be shared by anyone anytime in any social
media.
La biografía de anil en español.
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