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Synopsis : We all get old someday.This blog deals with many issues that old people face and try to cope with .This blog shows how to overcome old age problems in a pragmatic way and what the young people need to learn about respect.
I remember a movie I saw in The United States called A man called horse which was about the
life of the native Americans and the harsh way they had to adjust to the severe
winter and the often scarce availability of food at times. It made them move
frequently their camp in search for food and water so they were experts in
setting up their tepee in a new location and also in dismantling the tepees
that was done exclusively by the women.
The Native Americans took the word practicality to its
extreme and discarded anything or anyone in its name. There was one scene when
a very old and feeble woman was turned out of their tepee to die in the
freezing cold and snow blizzard because they could not care for the sick and
very old people who had outlived their usefulness in their nomadic life.
The scene was so pathetic that it brought tears to my eyes
watching the old woman slowly freezing to her death. Perhaps they were
practical people to whom life or death meant very little because they lived a
precarious life of hunting and gathering where old people became a liability.
I often think of this topic because everybody gets old
someday and faces the challenges all old people face at some point and often
fall short of meeting these challenges due to many reasons that I want to write
about today. I have a written a blog called The old age care that is perhaps worth reading in this context.
We now live in the era of practicality just like the Native
Americans did so long ago and have not learned to treat old people with respect
they deserve. The Confucian ideology that promotes love and respect for the old
age parents and grandparents has seen a dilution due to a large measure of
economic pressure under which people now live but this lack of respect and care
for the olds has more to do with the attitude and is not always about money.
The joint family system that was practiced in some parts of
India where the grandparents and parents lived together with their sons under
one roof distributed the income evenly among all although not all the sons were
earning.
It worked until the sons got married and brought into the
family a woman from another family. She had no love or loyalty for the in laws
and demanded that her husband spend the money he earned for her and her
children and not share with the others so it brought about a fracture in the
joint family system that slowly fell apart.
Now if we observe the present situation, we learn that sons
live separately and some keep the grandparents and parents with them grudgingly
or at best with indifference because they have lost faith in the old Confucian
system.
This has something to do with the loss of respect the
daughter in law has that the sons condone to keep peace so the olds are
tolerated but not respected. This puts the olds in a precarious situation so
some go to live in the old age homes but it is not for everybody. These old age
homes are not for the poor because they are run as business and cater to those
who can afford the cost.
The vast majority of old people have no choice but to live
the rest of their life with their sons or spinster daughters. I have written
about the abuse they suffer silently and pray that the Good Lord takes them.
There was a movie made by Satyajit Ray a long time ago called
The diary of the road ( Pather panchali )that won many awards for
its graphic depiction of the old age problems. I remember one particular scene
in the movie where an old woman rocked to and fro in her village porch late at
night when everyone was sleeping singing O
Lord my day is over, it is now the evening of my life. Please take me now.
It was a classic movie that highlighted a problem the society
has faced since a long time and still does but it is pathetic and no less sad
than the Native American woman freezing to death in the blizzard at night. They
felt the uselessness of their lives because they were unloved and uncared for.
Now I read the news about the young people in Spain attacking
the retired old people who meant no harm to anyone so what makes the young
people behave this way? Some old people live on their pensions or own resources
so they are no burden to anyone while others less fortunate have to live with
their sons.
I think the arrogance of youth that has no reverence for
anyone especially old people has something to do with it. Where does this
arrogance come from?
I have often heard people say that respect must be earned but
it goes against the Confucian practice of showing respect to any and all. Your
parents do not have to prove their worth to earn the respect of their children
but should be respected without conditions because parenting is a hard job
anywhere and they make a lot of sacrifices to raise their children. Your
grandparents deserve even more respect because they raised your father so well
and used their hard earned life long experience to do so.
This is where the orient and the occident part ways in
understanding what it means to show respect to the old people and the meaning
of duty and filial subservience.I think the fault lies with the people old or young who
insist on being called on a first name basis
so a child can call his grandfather John or his mother and father with
their first name. This is where the seed of disrespect is sown that later
blossoms into something else. This is common in the western culture.
It is easy to show disrespect if you do not love someone so
it prepares the ground for the lack of care and concern for the olds when they
need it the most.
The respect comes from the realization that you owe your
existence to your parents. They not only feed you but protect you from harm and
always look after your wellbeing although it is also true that some parents do
not do a good job due to some problems of their own.
In the animal kingdom from which I always draw my analogy,
the relationship between the mother and the offspring is quite clear cut and
visible. The females will fight to death to protect the young but at a certain
time will wean them off and push them onto their own. The lion will not accept
any challenge from its grown up male cubs and may even kill them.
This is where we are different from the animals. We do not
challenge our sons when we become dependent on them in the old age and submit
to their wishes because we become helpless. The in law factor looms large in
such situations but not limited to it.
If the sons show a lack of respect to their parents and
grandparents then it rubs off on their progeny who grow up discourteous towards
them including the parents.
The frequent break ups of families due to the discord between
the parents in the western culture is perhaps one reason when children in such
dysfunctional families who suffer the most start to treat their parents with
less than respect if they suspect their parents of infidelity, mismanagement of
the family resources and negligence in their parental duties due to
selfishness. This is by no way limited to the western culture only.
While infidelity can cause to break a family apart causing
distress to the children, it is not the only reason for the break up in the
family. It may be excessive drinking or gambling or other vices that make a
family split apart. I have written about it in my earlier blogs so perhaps it
is worth a look.
The Catholics forbid divorce in many countries so the parents
may commit indiscretions due to reasons of their own and still stay together but
it breeds contempt for them among the children and some may even do the same
when they are adults.
When the parents and grandparents lose their moral ascendancy
over the next generation due to their own personal behaviors, they lose respect
that would be given them otherwise. So it is how we behave makes people respect
or disrespect us.
There was an advertisement I saw in TV where the grandfather
was offering a drink of whiskey to his grandson who put his arm on his grandfather’s
shoulder in a very patronizing way. Such ads would be banned outright in more
traditional societies where such behavior would be taboo but is common in the
west.
With the industrialization and rapid urbanization comes
pressure to limit the size of the family and live a more self-centered life
from which the parents may be excluded. But this exclusion may also come about
if the sons and daughters get jobs in different cities or even different
countries and settle down there leaving the ageing parents at home with no one
to look after them.
In many such cases the sons and daughters may decide to put
them in old age homes where they receive some care. The old age illnesses are
perhaps one reason for it but it may be also because the old age homes provide
an alternative to lonely living. The Alzheimer and dementia that affect so many
old people can be very alarming so some countries like Japan are taking steps
to identify such people and put electronic bracelets on them for tracking
purposes.
The old age problems will not go away as people are living
longer these days so have to face some of the problems. The question is how to
deal with it effectively. Those who can afford can opt for the old age homes
but how about those who can’t afford? The vast majority of the old people can’t
afford so they stay with their sons in patriarchal societies and daughters in
matriarchal ones like here in the Philippines.
The disrespect shown by the young people toward the old
people in some countries comes from the deterioration of moral values that the
older generation failed to teach through their own example and traditions.
When some respect is shown toward them, they are more
surprised than happy because it has become rare. When I gave up my seat in the
bus to an old lady in Washington, D.C. one day, she was speechless and later effusive
in thanking me although to me it was a normal thing to do. It is not so normal. I see the arrogant young
people sitting in subways not giving a seat to the elderly while playing with
their cell phones or listening to the I- tunes in their headphones.
This lack of courtesy and empathy to the olds breeds contempt
that others take to an extreme when they attack and kill some old people for
fun like in Spain recently.
The remorse or regret eventually comes to the young people
who one day get old and get the same treatment from the new generation but by
then it is too late to make any
meaningful changes in their lives so they blame it on their parents who
failed to teach them good values.
So I think we all share the responsibility of teaching and
learning together the core values that guide the decency and moral behavior in
all of us and solve this problem together.
There is no other way.
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